A List Of Sarcastic Sayings
by l8rg8r123
Summary: -"Sarcasm keeps you from telling people what you really think of them." What we all need: A list of sarcastic sayings, funny comebacks and in-character remarks all for you. T for MILD swearing, sexual/alocohol/anti-religion remarks.
1. Page One

**General Disclaimer: I do not own **_**all **_**of them. I own some. But not all. This counts for the future chapters, too. Just so I don't have to repeat the disclaimer.**

**I shouldn't have a disclaimer for a list anyways. But whatever.**

**Read it, love it, review it. Got it?**

**Great. Enjoy.**

* * *

_**A List Of Sarcastic Sayings**_

_In School_

Teacher: "Alex, if you were stuck on a desert island, what is something you would bring?"

A:"A boat."

Teacher:"And how is that near and dear and close to your heart?"

A:"It would help me get off the desert island."

- - - - - - - - - -

_A Bad Guy and Alex_

Bad Guy: "And do you know why I have a house so big and large?"

A: "Maybe your compensating for something."

_(Shrek)_

- - - - - - - - - -

_Alex and K-Unit_

(Alex is looking through some binoculars)

Partner: Can you hear anything?

Alex: These are binoculars, (K-Unit Member Here). They only work on eyes.

_(Half-Moon Investigations)_

- - - - - - - - - -

_Hospital_

Doctor.: And after that, everything will be okey-dokey!

Alex: That's just wibbly wobbly wonderful, Doctor.

_(Half-Moon Investigations)_

- - - - - - - - - -

_Tom to Alex: Girlfriend Problems_

Tom: She's like, Juliet. And you're Romeo.

Alex: Doesn't Juliet kill herself because Romeo dies?

- - - - - - - - - -

_Receiving A Funeral Invite_

Alex: I won't go, but I'll send a letter saying I approved of it.

_(Mark Twain, I believe)_

- - - - - - - - - -

_Bad Guy and Alex_

Bad Guy: -laughs- -sighs- the real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

- - - - - - - - - -

_Church, With A Bad Guy_

Alex: Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

- - - - - - - - - -

_Bad Guy's Funeral_

Alex: I should've brought the clown...

(Thanks to _Nyxelestia)_

!-- page size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in P margin-bottom: 0.08in --

- - - - - - - - - -

_Bad Guy and Alex_

Bad Guy: You're a sarcastic little boy.

Alex: Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

- - - - - - - - - -

_If you're doing one of those cool ones where you are the narrator and Alex can talk to you:_

You: And just when you couldn't think it could get any worse-

Alex: If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

- - - - - - - - - -

_K-Unit, In All Its True Colors_

Wolf: My god carries a hammer. Your god died nailed to a tree. Any questions?

- - - - - - - - - -

_On The Phone_

Person: You're late.

Alex: You can't be late until you show up.

- - - - - - - - - -

_For Thoughts_

Alex (thinking): A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.

_(Josef Stalin)_

- - - - - - - - - -

_Money-Controlled Person and Alex_

Alex: To be smart enough to get all that money, you must be stupid enough to want it.

- - - - - - - - - -

_Yassen_

Yassen: Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

- - - - - - - - - -

_A Bad Guy_

Bad Guy:This is your life and it's ending one minute at a time.

_(Fight Club)_

_- - - - - - - - - -_

_Thoughts_

It's a catastrophic success.

- - - - - - - - - -

_A Senile and Alex_

Senile: Sit down on this ducky stool. (Gestures to a dark purple stool)

Alex (Thinking): Ducky? Any duck that shade of purple needs to see a vet. Immediately.  
_(Undercover Girl: Fugitive)_

_- - - - - - - - - -_

If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?

- - - - - - - - - -

_Bad Guy_

Bad Guy: I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.

- - - - - - - - - -

_To A Woman_

Alex: If I throw a stick, will you go away?

- - - - - - - - - -

_School_

Alex or Tom: I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV.

- - - - - - - - - -

_Helen To Ash (Jokingly)_

Helen: There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.

- - - - - - - - - -

_Wolf And Eagle_

Wolf: I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

- - - - - - - - - -

_Thoughts_

Alex (thinking): Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

- - - - - - - - - -

I'm not cynical. I'm just experienced.

- - - - - - - - - -

_To a Bad Guy_

Alex: I don't think you are a fool. But then what's _my_ opinion against thousands of others?

- - - - - - - - - -

_Bad Guy and Alex_

Bad Guy: The intelligence runs in the genes.

Alex: Your gene pool could have used a little chlorine.

- - - - - - - - - -

_Bad Guy and Alex_

Alex: -Sarcastic Comment-

Bad Guy: If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

* * *

WOW writing Alex Sarcasm is HARD.

But now it should be easy, because I have a few sarcastic comment right here! YAY! You should worship me! Or at least give me a review...XD.

Edit (Oct. 15): Well, here's the first new re-vamped chapter! I combined Page One and Two.


	2. Page Two

_**A List Of Sarcastic Sayings**_

_Bad Guy And Alex  
_

Bad Guy: -tells evil plan-

Alex:Well, if you can't make it good, I guess the next best thing is making it big.

- - - - - - - - - -

_K-Unit_  
Eagle: Why did you tell them that?

Wolf: An informed civilian panics more intelligently.

- - - - - - - - - -

_Alex and Henchman_  
Bad Guy henchman: I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.

- - - - - - - - - -

_Around MI6_  
Jones: Where were you? I called you three times!  
Alex: Dogs come when called. Spies take a message and get back to you later.

- - - - - - - - - -

_Tom to Alex: Life Problems_  
Alex: You know how people say that you can either look at life like a glass half full or half empty? Well, my life is always the exception. My mug is always half empty. And cracked. And the broken handle scraped my hand. And it split my lip. Last I checked, I think it chipped my tooth, too.

- - - - - - - - - -

_To A Pickpocket_  
Alex: Don't steal. The government hates competition.

- - - - - - - - - -

_To A Fellow Spy, K-Unit_  
Alex: You can't wait for the right doors in life to open. You have to run up and pick the lock.

- - - - - - - - - -

_After Being Drugged_  
Alex (Thinking) :Note to self: stop getting shot. It's not fun.

- - - - - - - - - -

K-Unit Rescues Alex  
Alex: Wolf?

Wolf: You sound surprised, Alex. You didn't think we was going to leave you here, did you?

Alex: -stares in a "Yes, I did, actually" way-

Wolf: Alright, so we don't have the best reputation when it comes to you.

- - - - - - - - - -

_Goodbye, Smithers_  
Smithers: You'll manage, you always do. I have no doubt this time will be no different. Just do me a favor. Don't die.

- - - - - - - - - -

_In A Forest, With K-Unit**  
**_

3rd Person Description_**: **_At that point, a bird call came from in front of them. It was either a thrush with a terminal disease, or Wolf calling a halt. Suspecting the latter, Alex stopped.

- - - - - - - - - -

_Bad Guy And Alex_  
Bad Guy: Tell me Alex, have you ever heard the idea that one should try to learn something new everyday?  
Alex: I suppose it's possible, if you start off dumb enough...

_**(Thanks to ThJaFI)**_

- - - - - - - - - -

_Bad Guy With Bad Breath**  
**_Bad Guy: I'm going to kill you now.  
Alex: From the stench, or were you planning to use your gun?

_**(Thanks to Drayconette)**_

- - - - - - - - - -

_Wolf and Alex trying to defuse a bomb_

Wolf: -can't defuse it- -swears-

Alex: -kicks bomb in frustration- -bomb stops-

Wolf: How'd you do that?

Alex: -pause- You have to kick it in the right spot.

- - - - - - - - - -

_Plane_

Alex: -Worrying about something-

Captain/Pilot: You're finished.

Alex: -stares-

Captain: Remembers he's an MI6 agent.- Uhm, with your trip. We're at (insert place here).

_(Shrek The Third)_

- - - - - - - - - -

_Younger Alex  
_

Tom: Alright mate, let's do it.. Go Team Dynamite!  
Friend 1: But I thought we agreed we'd go by the name Team Super Cool.  
Friend 2: As I recall, it was Team Awesome.  
Friend 3: I voted for Team Alpha Wolf Squadron.  
Alex: Just be quiet. From henceforth, we're all to be known as Team Alpha Super Awesome Cool Dynamite Wolf Squadron.

_(Shrek The Third)_

* * *

_**A/N: And that's Chapter Two. These are much more fun than actual stories...lol. I'm trying something new: I am NOT going to ask you to review, and see what happens.**_

_**You know what, screw that idea. Review, pretty please with your favourite chocolate on top?**_

_**Edit: Oct. 15 Re-vamp number 2! A little sidenote- any of these characters can be switched around, and if you tell me that you use one of the comments, I will read/review your story, regardless of the plot, grammatical errors, etc. Because I've noticed about two people used them...Yep. Lol.**_

_**Though plenty of you have told me you use these in life, which is pretty cool too.**_


	3. Page Three

For Jake Caldefore and Drayconette- my stupidity made me forget all about there comments. Anywho, enjoy!

Edit: Something screwy went wrong when editing this, so this is me trying to patch it up.

* * *

Mrs. Jones: Alex- your interference was quite risky for your cover.  
Alex: Yeah, well I wouldn't've gotten involved, except there was the problem of a gun pointed in my face.

(_Drayconette_)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: Cub!?

Alex: What, forgot my name already?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy: Why can't you just shut up!?

Alex: Sorry, it's a genetic thing.

(_Jake Caldefore_)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_**Alex is pissing off an artist**_

Artist: I would hurt you, but I'm an artist.

Alex: So was Hitler. -walks away-

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

-Someone trips-

Sabina: Walk much!?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Tom: -calls the Bank-

The bank: Bank, good afternoon, how may I help you?

Tom: No thanks, I just call the bank to chat. So how are you?

(_Saynt Jimmy_)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy: I'm not happy. At all.

Alex: Do I look like I care?

Bad Guy: -takes Alex seriously- I can't be sure.

(Thanks to _Quadira Zakia Yoko_)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: I thought you said you could shoot!?

Alex: He never said he could aim.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: You're undermining my authority!  
Alex: You have authority?!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: I'm not that dumb.  
Alex: Then how dumb are you?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Eagle: I can't think!  
Alex: And why should today be any different?

(Thanks to _Za Webmaster Authoress)_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy: You're done, Alex.  
Alex: Aw, I thought we might be able to enjoy a cup of tea.

(Thanks to _PoisonLikeScorpia_)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy:"I see you're awake."  
Alex:"No, I just tend to sleep with my eyes open and sitting up. I also sleep talk."

(Thanks to_ Midnight-Shadow_)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alex: -yawns-  
Bad Guy: What?  
Alex: Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy: A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy: Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up. -laughs at joke-

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

**Does anyone have good websites with good sarcastic quotes on them? I only have bored-com (don't ask) and some quote sites. Just like, some for pure, pure sarcasm, because the quotes one is a total mess, and I've sifted through most of them.**

**Second, do you think the format is nice enough? I was trying out different ones, like "Reviewer Made" and putting a scenario, so if would you like to see an easier way, just let me know. :D**

**You know the drill...review...concrit...i didn't really like this chapter...I think I'm losing my "touch" lol. Maybe the next will be better...No, the WILL be better :D  
**

**I changed the summary: Now, I have added "witty remarks" and" verbal insults" because some aren't exactly...sarcastic...**

**Edit: Thanks to the suggestions! Next chapter to-be-edited soon!  
**

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	4. Page Four

_**A List Of Sarcastic Sayings**_

Alex: It's not the people who are in prison that worry me. It's the people who aren't.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Bad Guy and Alex_

Bad Guy: All of us learn to write in the second grade -  
Alex: - and some of us go on to greater things.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Bad Guy Who's Depressed_  
Alex: Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Alex, Shooting a Bad Guy_

Alex: I missed you! But my aim is improving.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Bad Guy And Alex_

Bad Guy: You're going to die! (expects him to be scared)  
Alex: I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alex: Most people would rather die than think; in fact, they do so.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alex: It's not paranoia when they really ARE out to get you.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Bad Guy and Alex_  
Alex: I'm not good at empathy, will you settle for sarcasm?

_**(**__**Thanks to Za Webmaster Authoress)**_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Alex and Head of Security_  
Bad Guy: Pity, that they send a fourteen year old to spy on me.  
Alex: Pity they sent a moron to head the security.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Alex and the K-Unit Somewhere Weird**  
**_

Wolf: Cub?! What're you doing here?  
Alex: My job.  
Wolf: And what would that be, at the moment?  
Alex: If I knew, I probably wouldn't be here.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_**  
**Alex and Jack, After a Break in at Home_  
Jack: Sh!t, Alex - were you _trying _to kill him?!  
Alex: If I'd been trying to kill him, he'd already be dead.

(_**Thanks to Nyxelestia)**_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Protecting A Famous Popstar_

Popstar: -talking about something extensively, annoying Alex-

Alex: -thinking- I hate it when the popstars speak.

_(Video On Trial: Britney Spears, Lucky)_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_To A...lut  
_

Girl: If you've got it, flaunt it.

Alex: And regret it when the rapists come after you.

_(Maria, A Twilight Fanfiction)_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_In a Cryogenics Center/Cryohome**  
**_

Alex: -mutters- I see dead people.

Eagle: You're a loony!

_(The Sixth Sense and Monty Python and the Holy Grail)_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Younger Alex**  
**_

Coach: C'mon! Happy thoughts! Energetic words! Yippee! Yes! Hurrah!

Alex: Zip-i-dee-doo-da.

Coach: -thinking or saying quietly- I never know if he's mocking me or not.

-to continue it-

Alex: -smiles cheekily

_(The Office)_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Someone and Alex_

Person: Did it hurt when you got shot?

Alex: No.

Person: -confused- Oh.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_Someone and Alex_  
Person: Still awake?

Alex: Nope.

_(Half-Moon Investigations)_

* * *

End of Page Four. Hey, look! It's Alex!

Jade: Hi Alex! Are you Alex? You look like Alex. Right? Right? Can I have your autograph? Please? Hello? Hellooooo?

-Alex scans computer screen and frowns. Jade nervously steps back-

Alex: What is it with everyone here and sarcasm? I'm not_ always _sarcastic. I'm just sarcastic around people who annoy me, piss me off, or are trying to kill me...actually, never mind, you're right, I _am _always sarcastic...

(_**Thanks to Nyxelestia)**_

_**If your asking, Jade is the English translation for my middle name. You can refer to me as Jade if l8rg8r123 is too annoying to type out. :D**_

Review?

Daaaaaaaaaamn, it's almost 12 in the morning,

Edit: Oct. 15. Liking it so far? It's not so different, just neater. :D


	5. Page Five

Edit: Yos, wassup? Don't answer that. Kay, for Jake Caldeofre and Drayconette. Again. Sorry, I'm still trying to keep everything straight, but it's going screwy again.

* * *

Mrs. Jones: Alex- your interference was quite risky for your cover.  
Alex: Yeah, well I wouldn't've gotten involved, except there was the problem of a gun pointed in my face.

(Thanks to _Drayconette_)

- - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: Cub!?

Alex: What, forgot my name already?

- - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy: Why can't you just shut up!?

Alex: Sorry, it's a genetic thing.

(Thanks to _Jake Caldefore_)

- - - - - - - - - -

_**Alex is pissing off an artist**_

Artist: I would hurt you, but I'm an artist.

Alex: So was Hitler. -walks away-

- - - - - - - - - -

_**Someone: -trips-  
**_

Sabina: Walk much!?

- - - - - - - - - -

Tom: -calls the bank-

Bank: The Bank, good afternoon, how may I help you?

Tom: No thanks, I just call the bank just to chat. So how are you?

(Thanks to _Saynt Jimmy_)

- - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy: I'm not happy. At all.

Alex: Do I look like I care?

Bad Guy: -takes Alex seriously- I can't be sure.

(Thanks to _Quadira Zakia Yoko_)

- - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: I thought you said you could shoot!?

Alex: He never said he could aim.

Eagle: -is messing around-

Wolf: You're undermining my authority!  
Alex: You have authority?!

- - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: I'm not that dumb.  
Alex: Then how dumb are you?

- - - - - - - - - -

Eagle: I can't think!  
Alex: And why should today be any different?

(Thanks to _Za Webmaster Authoress)_

- - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy: You're done, Alex.  
Alex: Aw, I thought we might be able to enjoy a cup of tea.

Aw, Alex, being so British.

(Thanks to _PoisonLikeScorpia_)

- - - - - - - - - -

_**Alex has just woken up after being unconscious and is sitting up**_

Bad Guy: I see you're awake.  
Alex: No, I just tend to sleep with my eyes open and sitting up. I also sleep talk.

(Thanks to_ Midnight-Shadow_)

- - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy and Alex

Alex: -yawns-  
Bad Guy: What?  
Alex: Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.

- - - - - - - - - -

_**Bad Guy and Alex  
**_

Bad Guy: A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.

- - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy: Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up. -laughs at joke-

- - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.

- - - - - - - - - -

_Okay, Nyxelestia, here's the weird place for your quote. Not too weird, though. :D_

"A List of Sarcastic Sayings" Alex: Sarcasm is my favourite-

Alex: What the...what is this? A list of sarcastic sayings? Are people really so uncreative and unable to just put it in their stories that they have to make a _list_?

Jade: Hey! -threatens Alex un-menacingly-

Alex: -to Nyxelestia- I think Jade just loves putting herself in fatal situations.

Nyxelestia: Wait - suicide via pissed off teenage spy?

Alex: Won't be the first time...

Jade: -humming "Barbie Girl" obliviously-

- - - - - - - - - -

Jack: -had a salad with anchovies in it- I feel sick.

Wolf/Ben/Alex: You had a salad with anchovies in it. I feel no sympathy for you.

- - - - - - - - - -

Jack: -Getting SERIOUSLY annoyed- Can you leave? Like, now?

- - - - - - - - - -

If it looks like a chicken, walks like a chicken, and feels like a chicken, it must be a duck. With a day job as a chicken.

- - - - - - - - - -

_Gym Class_

Random Kid: -can't reach his toes- God! It BURNS!

Alex: You have really short arms. Like a monkey. And you said that evolution didn't happen. Moron.

- - - - - - - - - -

Edit: YEA! Another chapter down, a few chapters to go. I added some real quotes instead of the product crap. :D


	6. Page Six

**Page Seven! Woot! The lucky number! Unless, of course, you've seen Se7en, that creepy movie with Brad Pitt...Yeah...**

**I spent a lot of time organizing this...Making it pretty...:D**

_**Dedicated To:**_

_**Person One, for letting me take over her account...**_

_**My reviewers- for inspiration!**_

_**The internet (well...it's sorta self-explanatory...)**_

_**Youtube (same as above)**_

_**And...Alex Pettyfer...hehe...**_

_**A Bad Guy and Alex**_

BG: Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: -smart assing a bad guy-

BG: Never miss a good chance to shut up, Alex.

- - - - - - - - - -

BG's Wife/Girlfriend: When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: The grass is always greener on the other side.

BG: And you can be damn sure the water bill is higher. (I just put in the swearing because I booted the rating up to T, so why not milk it for all it's worth?)

- - - - - - - - - -

BG: I like you. When I rule the world, your death shall be quick and painless.

- - - - - - - - - -

BG with lisp: Whose cruel idea was it for the word _lisp_ to have an _S_ in it?

- - - - - - - - - -

BG: -telling tales of his childhood- At my lemonade stand I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the refill. It contained the antidote.

- - - - - - - - - -

BG: At my age, getting lucky is finding my car in the parking lot.

- - - - - - - - - -

BG: I'll always cherish the original misconception I had of you.

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.

- - - - - - - - - -

BG: The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. (Well, you know. Alex keeps smart-assing those bad guys)

- - - - - - - - - -

-Bad guy is refusing to tell Alex his evil plot-

BG: Curiosity killed the cat.

Alex: But information brought him back.

- - - - - - - - - -

-Alex steals gun from Bad Guy-

Alex: Run, fat boy run! (Right...?)

(Thanks to _irish-hailsy_ for the last two!)

- - - - - - - - - -

BG: I see you've woken up.

Alex: No, I just sleep sitting up with my eyes open. I also sleep talk.

(Thanks to _Midnight-Shadow_)

- - - - - - - - - -

BG: Everyone hates me. (Aw, sad face. You're trying to rule the world, moron, of course everyone hates you.)

Alex: Don't be stupid. Everyone hasn't met you yet.

(Thanks to _Za Webmaster Authoress_)

* * *

_**K-Unit**_

Wolf: We're using the buddy system.

Alex: The buddy system? -raises eyebrow-

Eagle: The buddy system is essential to survival; it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.

-awkward pause-

Wolf: So, Alex, wanna be my buddy?

- - - - - - - - - -

Eagle: When life gives you lemons-

Wolf: Go out and buy vodka, stick it in the blender, and make a margarita.

Eagle: We have children here.

Alex: -Blinks-

- - - - - - - - - -

Eagle: Let's play for it- rock, paper, scissors.

Wolf: -chooses rock-

Eagle: -chooses paper- I win.

Wolf: -punches Eagle in the face- Sorry, thought the paper would protect you.

Fox: I chose chainsaw.

- - - - - - - - - -

-In an elevator-

Wolf: I have an announcement. -pause- If we die here, someone be sure to press the "up" button.

- - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: We'll flip a coin. Heads, we bring Alex along.

Eagle: What if we get tails?

Wolf: We flip again.

- - - - - - - - - -

-Looking at a note leading to some bad guy-

Wolf: -reading the note- I will be at (insert place here) on the day with no light.

Eagle: A day with no light is...

Alex: Night?

- - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. (Good tip, Wolf.)

- - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: War is God's way of teaching humans about geography.

- - - - - - - - - -

Eagle: The glass is half full.

Wolf: The glass is half empty.

Fox: The glass is twice the size it needs to be.

- - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: I'm right, he's wrong, end of story.

- - - - - - - - - -

Sergeant: Good morning-

Wolf: Is a contradiction in it's own terms.

- - - - - - - - - -

Eagle: -Has just been beat up by a bad guy- My problem is that my lips move when I think.

(Thanks to _Drayconette _for the last two)

- - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: I didn't lose.

Eagle: Do you feel the water rushing over your feet? When you look up, do you see the pyramids? Because guess what, you're in DENIAL.

- - - - - - - - - -

-Alex has the last energy drink-

Wolf: CUB! Is that the last energy drink!?

Alex: -stares at can- Uhm, no...It's milk...

- - - - - - - - - -

-Alex has just been shot or hurt-

Wolf: Move out of the way, Alex!

Alex: I'mso _sorry _if my _agonizing pain _isinconveniencing you.

(Thanks to _Za Webmaster Authoress_)

* * *

_**Alex and Jack (And Tom...and Ben)**_

-Younger Alex-

Jack: I'm still 6 years older than you.

Alex: Yeah, but when I'm 24 and your 30 who would be laughing then?

- - - - - - - - - -

-Jack is throwing some of Alex's junk is away-

Alex: What are you doing?

Jack: Throwing away your junk.

Alex: Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

- - - - - - - - - -

-Jack can't get Alex to wake up-

Jack: The early bird gets the worm!

Alex: And the second mouse gets the cheese.

(Thanks to _irish-hailsy_)

- - - - - - - - - -

-Alex is in the hospital-

Jack: What were you THINKING when you walked off the roof?

Alex: I was wondering what you were making for lunch.

Jack: -confused-

Alex: Why? What did _you_ think I was thinking? "AHHHHHH!"?

(Thanks to _Drayconette_)

- - - - - - - - - -

-Alex is holding a hand grenade-

Tom: Is that a hand grenade?

Alex: No, it's an avocado.

(If you want to expand on it)

Alex: And it just gave me a ring. -throws it-

(Thanks to _Caldecott_! Who has an awesome nickname! Lol.)

- - - - - - - - - -

-Ben and Jack, well into their relationship-  
Ben: Jack, can I trust you?  
Jack: Yea - why?  
Ben: I sometimes worry. I'm gone for long periods of time with no contact and no way to get back. What do you do when I'm gone?  
Jack: What do you mean?  
Ben: You know...satisfaction...  
Jack: There's a reason I don't let you check my computer cookies.  
Ben: Why?  
Jack: Well, let me put it this way - when one guy's missing, it takes two to compensate if you're not a part of it.

Ben: ...oh.  
(And to expand it)  
Alex: -turns pale-

(Thanks to _Nyxelestia_) Not so weird, huh?

* * *

_**Alex and a Partner/Sabina**_

Alex: You must understand ... there are some things that you will NEVER understand.

- - - - - - - - - -

Sabina: I wasn't born a princess, but if the tiara fits...

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: -annoyed- I used to care but I take a pill for that now.

- - - - - - - - - -

Sabina: I did the math. I'm still confused.

- - - - - - - - - -

Sabina: I am sooooooo not listening. (Though it would probably be to Tom, not Alex)

- - - - - - - - - -

Partner: Careful or you'll end up in my novel.

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: -having just woken up and seeing his partner- Please tell me you're bad side effect of my medication.

- - - - - - - - - -

Partner: When do you think you'll die?

Alex: I plan on living forever. So far, so good.

* * *

**And YEAH! I'm totally on a roll now. I can't Google "sarcastic sayings" but I can Google "sarcastic quotes" "phrases" and "comments"...yeah...I'm that uncreative I didn't think to Google those...I had a bunch more, but I gotta save those...**

**Hey, is 2,600 hits good? Because if it is, HAHAHAHA I have 2,600 hits! HAHAHA...But if it's not...Uhm, I have a gazillion hits...Muahahahaha...haha...ha..ha.**

**Awkward...**


	7. Page Seven

**A/N: Sorry I haven't been here for a while. I've been grounded for a long time, and school has started, but the good news is that I have discovered House, who is _very_ sarcastic. For some reason, I can't view your guy's remarks, so sorry if I left your's out. In fact, this is all mine...except the few from House, the Internet, Transformers, Psych, Max. Ride...etc... Yeah...Okay so only four are mine. GO AWAY ALREADY!**

**Not really. Stay here. Review. Read. Enjoy.**

John and Helen's House Phone: Hello, you've reached John and Helen. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Helen likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Ash's Phone: You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone..." Please leave a message after the beep.

Wolf's Phone: Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? You

guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it...

Rider Family's Phone: (to the tune of Barney's I Love You) I'll call you, cause you called me. We're the Rider family. So leave your name and number at the tone. Sorry that we're not at home.

Tom's Phone: As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alex: Jack...What's another word for thesaurus?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: (Or John, For That Matter) I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Jack: Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Big time.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Jack: (Knows that the K-Unit wasn't nice to Alex) See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. Period.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Someone from the K-Unit is flirting with Jack

Jack: -pushes away- This is an excellent time for you to become a missing person.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alex: You're sick.

Bad Guy: Thank you.

Alex: Don't thank me for insulting you, it was a pleasure.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy: So what else can you do?

Alex: Besides my sophisticated fashion sense? I play a mean harmonica.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alex: I bet you got bullied a lot.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alex: -muttering- Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy: -says stuff-...pure happiness.

Alex: Happiness is your dentist telling you 'it won't hurt a bit,'and then he catches his hand in the drill.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy That Has Dealt With Alex Before: The good news is that you may have screwed up my past and created my present but you have no control over my future!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Eagle: -saying something stupid-

Wolf: How is it that you've managed to live this long and not be demoted to a single cell organism?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Eagle: -talking to himself-

Wolf: There are are several people in this world that I find unbearably obnoxious, and you are all of them.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: I would have liked to insult you, but the sad truth is that you wouldn't understand me.

Eagle:...What?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

(Wolf is getting confused by the timing of a plan) Eagle (getting his revenge) : Always try to do things in chronological order- it's less confusing that way.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: If you were twice as smart as you are now, you'd still be absolutely stupid.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alex: So have anyone one of you told Blunt that we shot someone that looked like (insert Bad Guy's name here), but it actually wasn't him?

Wolf: -shakes head- Cub-

Alex: Why does everyone think I'm sarcastic? This is good! This is progress! We know who the bad guy _isn't_!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Eagle: I don't even like you!

Wolf: Words hurt, you know.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Eagle: You could be a little more grateful, you know.

Wolf: You are my ray of sunshine on a cloudy day.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

A/N: Okay, I had to put this in, and I couldn't figure out how, so basically -shudder- there's a new girl recruit. -shudders again-

Alex: So who is it?

Eagle: What?

A: Who is she sleeping with? Please tell me it's you. -looks at Jack-

J: Alex, you're such a jerk.

A: -shrugs-

W: Can we move the subject towards (insert Bad Guy's name here)?

A: Om my God, it's you.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alex/Wolf: (Thinking) Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Helen: -to Ian- I'm going out with your brother. -awkward pause- Oops. I mean, I'm going _outside_ with your brother.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Continuation of the very first sarcastic remark in this list! (the island one)

Teacher: Tom, if you could bring one thing to a desert island, what would you bring?

Tom: I would bring...Alex.

Teacher: And is he near and dear and close to your heart?

Tom: No- but he has the boat I want to use to get off the island.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Person: Your iPod just exploded.

Alex: Yeah, it tends to do that.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -


	8. Page Eight

Page Nine

This one has your guys' suggestions- so yay!! Oh yeah, didja know that when surfing people's profiles, you get a lot of great quotes, that are original, because it happened to them personally? Yeah...

Okee, enjoy!

* * *

Alex's Classmates: -stare at Alex-

Alex: What are you doing?

Classmate: Looking for signs of withdrawl.

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

Teacher: What is your favourite quote, Rose/Violet/Daisy/ OMG Tulip!

Flower Chick: I was extremely flattered when my mum told me I was named after a flower. But this turned to bitter disappointment when I read the description; "Not very good in a bed, but fantastic up against a wall."

_Thanks to Blue Moon Tiger Eyes-these are definite ROFL material...That was a pathetic sentence...lol_

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

Eagle: -Is excited about something-

Wolf: Wow, I haven't seen you this excited since this morning. When you figured out that you can fit two slices of bread in a toaster.

_Thanks to OddlySane (I doubt you are, though, lol)- total LMAO stuff_

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

Wolf: -for some reason is cheerful-  
Fox: Hey, it's sunny!  
Wolf: I hate the world.

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

Bad Guy: When you wake up tomorrow, you'll all be dead.  
All (K-Unit, Alex): -stare-  
-pause-  
Bad Guy:...Wait, that came out wrong...

_(You have no idea how long it took me to get that...lol)_

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

Wolf: You realize this is crazy, right?  
Alex: -shrugs- Sometimes crazy works.

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

Wolf: -Has just been shot- Am I in heaven?...-opens eyes- Oh no, Eagle is here! It must be the other place!  
Eagle: -death glare-  
Everyone else: laughing

_HAHA Thanks to Za Webmaster Authoress for four hilarious-o comments._

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

Some Random Dude: I see dead people.

Alex: Well, I see live people. You're weird

(cough HYPOCRITE cough ALEX cough cough...)

_Thanks to Rainbow Mango :) Pretty awesome_

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

Tom: -saying stuff and stuff- and Alex told me to.

Jack: And if Alex told you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?

Tom: Depends on whats at the bottom.

(Tom, you are really turning into Alex. WHAT HAVE THESE FANFICTIONS DONE TO YOU?)

_Thanks to riley20smoke20 tell your friend I will be using that somewhere in the future, lawl.  
_

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

Bad Guy: I'm counting to three.

Alex: And I'm counting to one. -either shoots him or punches him. Personally, I think punching is more hot, because anyone can shoot a gun. Of course, they would most likely miss, but still.-

_(Transformers)_

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

This can be anyone, anywhere...so I just put Person. :D

Person: -Calls someone-

Another Person: Hello?

Person: -Begins yelling at AP for something-

AP: Uhm, sir...

Person: WHAT?!

AP: I think you have the wrong number.

(I can think of a gazillion ways to continue that-lol.)

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

Eagle: -is smiling-

Wolf: Why are you smiling?

Eagle: Because I have no idea what's going on.

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

Jack: You need to put a comma between is and then.

Alex: -muttering- Damn the commas to bloody hell.

_- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -_

Eagle: You are the government, and I'm an angry protester.

Wolf: Guess what? Now I'm the bulldozer, and your still the angry protester.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: We have a new recruit. Name's Marla.

Eagle: Oh.

Wolf: What?

Eagle: The name Marla makes me think of fat woman.

Alex: In a bikini.

Wolf: Marla's a boy...

Alex and Eagle: WHAT?!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: Holy sh-t! This is insect p0rn!

Alex: And that's relevant to our mission..._How_?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: -singing under his breath- Yo ho, yo ho, a spy's life for me...Yo ho-

Jack: What'd you just call me?

(Also works for when people go "Hey! Ho!" Lol.)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: -to Eagle- Annoy me one more time, you're going to be a Eunuch.

Alex: -muttering- He already is.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy: -to Eagle, who has presumably said something stupid- Who are you?

Wolf: No one. He's no one. Distant cousin of my aunt's nephew twice removed. Lovely singing voice. Eunuch.

_(Pirates of the Carribean, Curse of the Black Pearl)_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Jack: Why are you looking at my butt? (Or ass...or Glutes...lol)

Wolf/Ben/Whoever: -snaps out of it- Is it hard to wear a skirt?

Alex: Heh. Nice save.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alex: So what's new at school?

Tom: The kids on the Math Team were much nerdier this year.

Alex: How?

Tom: They brought sprays to clean their binders with.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Alex: Jack, I'm 15. I don't need an animal balloon.

Animal Balloon Guy: Hello, would you like an animal balloon?

Alex: Uh...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Helen: There will come a moment when you will have a chance to show it. To do the right thing.  
John: I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by.

_(Pirates of the Carribean...2 or 3)_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with Eagle.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Jack: If any man ever wants to win me over, all he has to do is buy me a Milky Way, and I'm his!

(I know they don't sell Milky Way in the UK (do they?) but that would be the point- she is craving cheap American candy)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: Let's make a toast to our friendship!

-clinks glasses-

Eagle: -makes face, because his glass has a lot of salt in it- I should've known something was wrong when you made that stupid toast.

Wolf: I know. Our friendship? Why would I toast to something stupid like that?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Anyone: Uggghhh...The only problem with morning is that it comes too early in the day...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: You suffer from insanity. _(that is sooo NOT grammatically correct...right...)_

Eagle: I do not. I enjoy every minute of it. And by the way, my imaginary friend thinks you have issues.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Teacher: Were you just about to start a fight, Alex?

Alex: Of course not. I never start fights where people can see them.

_(Vampire Academy)_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Little Person and Alex

Little Person: How's the therapy?

Alex: Go find your pacifier and shut the hell up.

_(Vampire Academy)_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

On for those Alex-Goes-To-Camp-With-His-Classmates

Classmate: I'm going to kill you, Alex.

Alex: What, is that like (insert name of status that classmate is here) extra credit?

_(Vampire Academy)_

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

K-Unit in...The Bathroom!

Wolf: Smell that? Doesn't get any sweeter than that...

-flushes-

Wolf: That was a complimentary flush by the way...I'm not actually done.

Eagle: What are you, giving birth or something in there?

_(House)_

* * *

Okay, so...Sorry it took so long to update!

So I was thinking; do you want me to "remodel" this? I had a sudden burst of inspiration to sort the comments by category, ie K-Unit and Jack, Alex at School, Bad Guy and Alex, etc. And everything would be super-...betaed? Super-cleaned up, I guess, because I don't have a beta. Everything would be in the cleaner format, and I will still credit the comments and stuff to the reviewers and other books and TV shows and movies, but yeah. Tell me in a review!


	9. Page Nine

**Hey guys. As you can see, I'm in the process of getting the chapters into a uniform setting, but I decided to post this up because I had all these quotes, and nowhere to put them! D:**

**...and because this document has been lying in my files for about two weeks...and I've been feeling a lack of reviews. Wink. Wink. :D**

Snake: We've got to go to Seattle.  
Jack: groans and whines  
Alex: What's so bad about Seattle?  
Jack: It's like New York City, with no people...

- - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: (to Snake's niece who is about to walk the dog) Keep the loop around your arm at all times. That way, if he drags you some place I can find you both at the same time.

- - - - - - - - - -

Eagle: Do you have a problem with my singing?!  
Alex: Was that singing?  
Eagle: mouth drops open  
Wolf, Snake, and Fox: start laughing  
Alex: I wasn't trying to be rude! I didn't really hear, it was this kinda squeaking thing...

- - - - - - - - - -

Fox: Do you have food?  
Eagle: When?

- - - - - - - - - -

Eagle: Hey, I'm an angel!  
Wolf: snorts Yeah, and hell froze over!  
Eagle: Can we ice skate?

_(Za Webmaster Authoress)_

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: You have mental problems  
Eagle: Yeah well, my imaginary friend thinks you have mental problems...  
-pause-  
Alex: Sure...?

_(XxXmaxiuM-RideRXxX)_

- - - - - - - - - -

-Wolf is shot-

Snake: Call 911! (Or the English emergency thingy)  
Eagle: What's the phone number?

_(sheluby94dreamer)_

- - - - - - - - - -

Eagle: -says something about being happy-

Wolf: Happiness is depressing.

- - - - - - - - - -

Classmate: That is so gay!

Alex: You find my (insert object here) homosexual, do you?

_(irish-hailsy)_

- - - - - - - - - -

-At SAS training camp again-  
Random Antagonistic SAS Guy: What, Cub, you aren't sorry you don't get to play with the big guns?  
Alex: No, not really.  
Guy: Oh? Why not?  
Alex: (looks pointedly at the guy's rather large rifle) Because I don't need to compensate.

- - - - - - - - - -

Jack: Oh, c'mon! Just because I'm American doesn't mean I don't know -some- British swear words.  
Wolf: It's not knowing them - it's knowing how to use them.  
Jack: I know that, you little wanker.  
Wolf: That doesn't mean-  
Jack: I know what it means. You were a bit loud in the bathroom, this morning, and taking entirely too long.  
Wolf: ...dmnit.

_(Nyxelestia)_

- - - - - - - - - -

_(This came from my Asian friends and I.)_

-Alex is standing near some Asian girls-

Asian Girl 1: Let's get away from (I think it's Gui Lo or somethin...The Chinese word for whitey). And I'm only saying that because _ta _(Chinese word for he, I believe) is right there.

Alex: -knows enough Chinese to know what they are talking about-

- - - - - - - - - -

K-Unit: -in a fire-

Eagle: Line up in height order!

Wolf: Why do they do that? Even in primary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?

- - - - - - - - - -

Jack: -To whoever was flirting with her- If you can't live without me, why aren't you dead already?

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: I learned something new today. When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.

- - - - - - - - - -

Jack: Ben is such a good listener!

Alex: A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

- - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: -sees Alex, totally scratched up, after a fight- What happened to you?

Alex: Cut myself shaving.

_(Maximum Ride- Angel Experiment)_

- - - - - - - - - -

Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name.

- - - - - - - - - -

John: -a few months into Alex's birth- Anyone who has ever walked barefoot into his child's room late at night hates Legos.

- - - - - - - - - -

Jack: That was great!

Fox: Wha-? Oh that- that wasn't much...

Wolf: Don't be humble. You're not that great.

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: -ranting on about Wolf's way of talking-

Wolf: Yeah? What if I said something like OH MY GOD DID YOU JUST WET YOUR PANTS?

Alex: What? No- Hey, be cool...

Wolf: NO! SERIOUSLY, HAVE YOU NO RESPECT FOR PUBLIC ETHICS? AW, NOW IT'S SPREADING!

- - - - - - - - - -

Ian: Did the book come?

Jack: Yeah, but something more important came.

Ian: What? The paycheck?

Jack: No. Alex's Buzz Lightyear costume for Halloween!

Ian: Oh.

Jack: And I made a helmet out of the fishbowl.

Ian: We use that fishbowl. For the fish.

Jack: Not anymore, we don't.

- - - - - - - - - -

Jack: -after meeting the K-Unit- Have sexier words ever been spoken? -swoons-

_(I'd Tell You I Love You, But Then I'd Have to Kill You)_

_- - - - - - - - - -_

Alex: Uhm...Guys...

Wolf: Sshhh, Alex. We have to be dead silent.

Alex: But...Guys...

Eagle: Listen to Wolf.

Alex: Seriously...

K-Unit: What?!

Alex: I think that coconut is about to fall on us.

**Sorry I didn't reply to lot's of your guys' reviews. Been super busy. But anyways, I have a few milestones to mark.**

**I have...discovered Maximum Ride fanfictions, reached 100 reviews (and way past 5,000 hits- happiness), and picked out my Halloween costume. Gonna wear a shirt that says "Gimme my candy" and glue a latex vampire bite onto my neck. Happy happy day. :D**

**Oh YEAH so so so so so sorry that I assumed England didn't have Milky Way. I'll get around to editing it, and I'll just put "Insert American Candy here". :D**

**Lessee...Oh yeah this was kinda short because I want to focus more on the reconstruction thing. :D**

**Review review review! Even if this was, like, the crappiest chapter.**


	10. Page Ten

**Hola, senors and senoritas. Or whatever. Bonjour, sa va? Ni Hao. Aloha. I'm going to make this a super-duper long author's note (I can't even compensate with a long chapter...D: Bad author -scolds self-)to reply to anonymous reviewers, so just skip over if you didn't give me an anon. review.**

**Anon: Haha, yeah, I know, people have been telling me...**

**From Singapore: Thanks! It'll show up.**

**Nyxie: Thanks for correcting me, yet again. I feel so inferior, lol. Yeah, personally, I didn't really like the headings, so I took them out if it was self-explanatory. And the italics thing, I don't really know what you're talking about. -looks at chapter eight and nine- I think I used the hyphens correctly. -Shrugs- When I edit those, I double-check. BTW, great quotes! Lol. I like the "playing with me dollies" one. And the "SAS" one. So...I loved them both. :D

* * *

  
**

_**A List Of Sarcastic Sayings**_

_**10**_

_**Reviewer-Made**_

-Alex is cleaning a handgun-  
Jack: Uh, Alex?  
Alex: What?  
Jack: What're you doing?  
Alex: Playing with me dollies.

- - - - - - - - - -

-Wolf, Alex, and Ben, about Jack-  
Wolf: She's insane!  
Alex: Your fault for dating an American.  
Ben: What'd she do, this time?  
Wolf: She danced on a table in the bar!  
Ben: I fail to see your problem. She's hot and good.  
Alex: -muttering- Just what I needed to hear...  
Wolf: It was in public! Where other blokes can see!  
Ben: Who did she go home with, that night?  
Wolf: ...me.  
Ben: Your insecurity issues make my anorexic teenage niece look overconfident.  
Wolf: Oh, gee, thanks. You make me feel so loved.  
Alex: And that's what we call progress.  
Wolf: Shut up.  
Ben: Say please.  
Wolf: -punches Ben's face-  
Alex: That's "please"?  
Wolf: That's SAS for "please".

(_Nyxelestia)_

- - - - - - - - - -

If you give a man a fish he'll have dinner for the night.  
But teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

(_Blue Moon Tiger Eyes)_

_- - - - - - - - - -_

Ah Lian (extremly tacky Singapore girl): Oi, that Ang moh (White Person) staring at me leh, so suay(unlucky) we better siam (run) quickly.  
Alex: ... is that English or Chinese?

_(From Singapore)_

_- - - - - - - - - -_

Bad Guy: Do you know how i came up with this awesome plan of world domination? I'll tell you. It's because I'm special. I can hold up many more trains of thought than the average person.  
Alex: Well you see. I may not have as many trains chug-chugging around my head as you do. But you see with me its all about quality rather than quantity. So, my trains are hover trains. Trains that go at 200 mph, with a dining cart, leather upholstery and wood paneling. And don't forget the harem of beautiful women at my disposal at the back carriage.  
So, really, as I mentioned before I believe in quality, rather than quantity.

(_Blue Moon Tiger Eyes)_

- - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy: Good things always come to the end.  
Alex: Is that why you're still living?

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: You're so weird the x-files should do a file on you.

(_PunkiePenguin)_

- - - - - - - - - -

You only have fat between your ears, why do you try to think? It only ends up hurting you...

- - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups...

- - - - - - - - - -

Eagle: Go to hell.

Wolf: And see you there? Thanks, but I'll pass.

- - - - - - - - - -

The beatings will continue until the morale improves.

- - - - - - - - - -

It matters not if you win or lose, only that I win.

- - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy: Dance, boy, dance! -shoots at Alex's feet-

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: -about some guy Jack's stalking- Well, I guess you can't make a person love you. You can only stalk them and hope for the best.

- - - - - - - - - -

Eagle: -defendant of his voices- Even if they aren't real, they have some pretty good ideas...

_(AbsentmindedDreamer)

* * *

  
_

_A Bit Inappropriate....About Virgin Mary  
_

Jack: I thought she was a virgin.

Wolf: She is.

Jack: Then how did she give birth?

Wolf: I dunno.

Jack: Ew! Trying to pop a baby out through an unbroken hymen? That would hurt!

_And _that's_ how I spend my History period in school._

_- - - - - - - - - -_

_Karaoke Night_

Eagle: -singing "Creep" by Radiohead- _But I'm a creep, _

Wolf: Yes you are.

Eagle: _I'm a weirdo...What the hell am I doing here?_

Wolf: That's what we're wondering too.

Eagle: _I don't belong here,_

Wolf: You're getting the message I've been trying to send for the past three years!

Eagle: _I don't care if it hurts, I wanna have control, I want a perfect body_

Wolf: Sure you do.

_And so on, and so on. _

_- - - - - - - - - -_

Wolf: What's chipotle?

Jack: Wh-What's _chipotle?_ It's like a burrito with no rice or tortilla, and five times as perfect.

_  
- - - - - - - - - -_

Wolf: Thanks. Bye, Mom.

Eagle: Who was that?

Wolf: Nicole Kidman. I call her "Mom". Does anyone else think that's sexy?

_(House M.D.)_

_- - - - - - - - - -_

Why'd you run away?

I needed a change of scenery.

Buy a plant!

(_House M.D.)_

- - - - - - - - - -

Tom: -makes "Loser" sign with fingers- Nerd!

_(Video on Trial- Panic! At The Disco, Nine in the Afternoon)_

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: You owe me five pounds.

Tom: No I don't.

Alex: You owe me five pounds.

Tom: _Your mom_ owes me five pounds.

Alex: -thinking "What the hell?"- _You_ owe me five pounds.

- - - - - - - - - -

Jack: -swooning, yet again, about a K-Unit member-

Alex: I thought you were dating someone.

Jack: -still talking about K-Unit member- Do you think he's rich?

Alex: Probably.

Jack: Then I'm single.

- - - - - - - - - -

Jack: You're an adult, Alex.

Alex: So? Adults are just kids with money.

- - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: -to someone who's honking at him- KEEP HONKING! I'M RELOADING!

- - - - - - - - - -

Tennis players have fuzzy balls. (Found that and laughed too hard and had to share, though I doubt anyone in Alex Rider would actually say that...)

- - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: Buckle up.

Alex: Why?

Wolf: It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you up. (Sarcastically, of course)

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: -at some broken thing that used to be a cell phone- Can you believe that used to be your phone?

Jack: Nope.

Wolf: What'd you say?

Alex: "Can you believe that used to be your phone?"

Wolf: That didn't used to be my phone.

Alex: No- I meant-

Wolf: -pinches Alex's cheeks- Aw, you're so cute.

- - - - - - - - - -

Learn from your parent's mistakes and use birth control.

- - - - - - - - - -

Jack: -comes in with a new purse- Look what (insert name here) got for me!

Alex: I thought he was tight on money.

Jack: Saw it, wanted it, threw a fit and got it. -shrugs-

- - - - - - - - - -

Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young.

- - - - - - - - - -

Jack: A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.

- - - - - - - - - -

Wolf: -Eagle is gone- All stressed out and no one to choke...-looks at Alex-

- - - - - - - - - -

Jack: Just always remember you're unique.

Alex: Like everyone else?

- - - - - - - - - -

Helen: No, Alex. Bad boy. NEVER do that again.

Ash/John: Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home.

- - - - - - - - - -

Eagle: -being melodramatic- I can see the light...

Wolf: Well, I guess you'll live free, die young, and leave dinner for the rest of the week. (Or an ugly corpse.)

- - - - - - - - - -

Do I look like a freaking people-person?

- - - - - - - - - -

Disappointed? Too bad.

* * *

**WOW THAT WAS REALLY SUCKY.**

**Anyways, read the Author's Note in the next chapter, or go to my profile, because I have an announcement...**


	11. Author's Note

_Author's Note_

Hi, everyone. Anyways, I wasn't really expecting this to be so popular when I first started it, just something to do when I was bored, but it turns out I underestimated myself. Thanks for all the support and everything!

Now, business.

I don't want this to end up 50 chapters long in a year, so I'm making a spin off called "**A List Of Sarcastic Sayings: K-Unit**" for all K-Unit lines, but will continue updating this one, less often, however. It's a little different from the announcement on my profile, where I was just going to make a second Sarcastic Sayings. So, all chapters from here on out will be **strictly Alex, Bad Guy, Tom, Jack, Helen, John, Ash,Ian,** etc. I'll also put all major announcements in this one. But if you're ever feeling a lack of K-Unit, just head on over **A List Of Sarcastic Sayings: K-Unit.**

**Got it?**

I will post up K-Unit when I get, say, **20 or so new quotes**. I might do others as well, but for now, I'm doing K-Unit because there was a recent flare of K-Unit fics popping up.

!-- page { size: 8.5in 11in; margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } --

K-Unit will include **Jack, K-Unit,** too.

Thanks!

Gator


	12. Page Eleven

Oh my goshness it's been three fcking weeks. I'm really sorry! -scolds self, once again- Bad author. Bad author. Anyways, I'll forgive the lack of reviews because I know that the alert-y thingy wasn't working. But don't let that be an excuse. Review! Oh, and er...Enjoy. But review. :D And this is incredibly short....

And, Nyxelestia, if you are reading this, you have inspired me to put more headings in. So there are more headings now. Thank Nyxie. OH! AND I HAVE A PAIRING FOR AR NOW!!!! Jack/Ben or Jack/Wolf. :D Nyxelestia did it to me, with her Jack Daniels and Pregnancy and whatnot. Grr.

* * *

_**A List Of Sarcastic Sayings**_

_**11**_

**Reviewer-Made**

Alex: Do you want to flip it?

Tom: Okay.

Alex: Heads I win, tails you lose.

_(Keladry0alanna)_

- - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy: You are going to wish you had never been born.

Alex: I wished that when I saw your face.

_(JaBoYa)_

Bad Guy: I laugh in the face of death...Well, maybe not laugh. More like a snicker. A quiet snicker. And I wouldn't do it directly in death's face. So it's more like a quiet snicker behind death's back.

(_Luna)_

**

* * *

**Its obvious that man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.

- - - - - - - - - -

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

- - - - - - - - - -

The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: -thinking- This isn't an office. This is Hell with fluorescent lighting.

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: -says something sarcastic-

Jack: -doesn't understand it-

Alex: -sighs- Nothing is more discouraging than unappreciated sarcasm.

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: The world will end tomorrow, this time for sure. Unless postponed by rain.

- - - - - - - - - -

**_After Receiving Shocking News_**

Jack: Alex? What's wrong? You look like you peed on a stick and it turned blue...

(_Private)_

- - - - - - - - - -

_**Post "You're very unique, young padawan..." Speech**_

Alex: If I'm one in a million, than there are six thousand people exactly like me.

- - - - - - - - - -

_**Jack's American Attitude**_

Alex: So, Jack, what has your ambition been of the late?

Jack: -shrug- Stripper by day, hooker by night.

_- - - - - - - - - -_

Jack: Wolf told me to.

Alex: You know, I've been hearing about increase in abusive relationships...

_(Twilight)_

- - - - - - - - - -

Jack: Alex, if you really want something, you have to work for it. No shut up. They're about to announce the lottery numbers!

_(Simpsons)_

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: You aren't going to give back the diamonds?

Jack: Of course not. I've never hated a man enough to give back the diamonds.

- - - - - - - - - -

_**Why Tom and Alex Are Best Friends**_

Alex: You can't be serious.

Tom: Of course I'm serious! And don't call me Shirley. Heh. Heh. Geddit. From _Airplane?_

(_The Office)_

- - - - - - - - - -

Tom: This essay is horrible.

Alex: What?

Tom: I could've eaten Alphabet Soup and pooped out a better essay.

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: So can you come paintballing with us?

Tom: Yeah.

Jack: I thought you were grounded.

Tom: I know, but my mum figures I'd get hurt at paintballing....

- - - - - - - - - -

Alex: What are you doing?

Tom: Fishing.

Alex: There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

* * *

Of course, its just like me, to update at the weirdest of times. Though, my fellow Americans, you shouldn't haven't an excuse. This week is Thanksgiving break. :D Anyways, I have a new poll up. Go check it out! (PS whoever voted in my old poll...i've given up on the MR ALoSS....) And I've going to lay off editing for a while, but I will edit it soon. As for the K-Unit thing, I need quotes, darlings!

I'll make a nice bold arrow for you. It points to a green button. I wonder what that does? Why don't you press it? HUH?

**|  
V**


	13. Page Twelve

**AH I HAVEN'T UPDATE SINCE LAST YEAR.**

**:o**

**Short.**

**But the last update was last year. You should be crying. For joy.**

**Seriously.**

**And reviewing from the bottom of your heart.**

**May I say that I am purely updating because I want to see your lovely shining...REVIEWS?**

**Wanna review now?**

**Yep. I know you do.

* * *

A List of Sarcastic Sayings  
**

**Chapter 12**

Tom: He gets teased a lot. I feel kinda sorry for him.

Alex: I don't.

- - - - - - - - - -

_After Alex is Shot_

Jack: (thoughts) OK. Alex just got shot. No need to panic. Stay calm. Breathe in. Breathe out. Just like yoga. Find your Zen.

- - - - - - - - - -

Random Girl: Screw you.

Tom: Love you too, sweetheart.

- - - - - - - - - -

Jack: You got an _F _on your English test? An _F_?

Alex: (small voice) I made you a cookie?

Jack: Really????

Alex: Yeah. But then I eated it.

- - - - - - - - - -

_On the Phone_

_Scenario: Alex just persuaded Tom to ask out a girl TOM liked. By phone. Alex is sitting next to Tom._

Tom: Oh. Well. Yeah.

Girl: Ok. So.

Tom: Um. Yeah.

Girl: Tom?

Tom: Yeah?

Girl: Don't you have something to ask me?

Tom: Huh?

Girl: Yeah. You do. It was the first thing you said to me.

Tom: Oh. Right.

Girl: So...

Tom: Well...Um. Do you have a date for the dance?

Girl: Oh.

Tom: Uhm.

Girl: Well...

Tom: Well...?

Girl: Tom?

Tom: Yeah?

Girl: I kinda do.

Tom: Oh.

Girl: I'm sorry.

Tom: Right. Um. I was asking for a friend anyways.

Girl: Oh...OK.

Tom: Yeah.

Girl: OK.

Tom: You know, Alex?

Alex: (makes motion "No")

Girl: Yeah.

Tom: Alex Rider?

Girl: Yep.

Tom: Yeah. Him.

Alex: (WHAT? signal)

Girl: OK.

Tom: OK. Bye.

Girl: Bye.

Alex: What the _bloody hell_ was that for?

- - - - - - - - - -

Bully: (to Alex) I bet you're gay.

Tom: Oi. I don't appreciate you picking on my secret lover.

- - - - - - - - - -

Jack: Why don't you tape it?

Alex: Well, I would. If I had tape.

- - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy: -lamenting about his sucky life-

Alex: Well I was orphaned as a child, my uncle died when I was 14, but you don't see me blowing up the world, do you?

Alex:　- - - - - - - - - -

Bad Guy:　I loved my parents, but I hated them for stifling me, Alex/Rider. Opposite concepts exist side-by-side.  
Alex:　So does that mean telling me your　pathetic life story goes　side-by-side with shutting the hell up?

(Last two courtesy of dyingimmortal. Love the penname. Very opposite concept. :))

- - - - - - - - - -

AT THE POOL  
Sign: Pool closed due to wet weather.  
Alex: Wow. I don't want to go swimming and get wet!

(Rainbow Mango)

- - - - - - - - - -

Person 1: (Asking stupid questions about what the weather is going to be like on a specific day two months in the future)  
Person 2: And there will be scattered darkness through the evening.

(Jusmine. I think I get the gist of it. Very funny. :) Not sure who could say it either. :o)

- - - - - - - - - -

Jack: That's not an answer!

Alex: If you're not getting answers ask better questions.

(CunningMascara)

* * *

Everybody say happy birthday to Jelly, mah awesome friend who might or might not be whipping me for announcing her birthdate. But whatevs. Like you can track her down with that. Gawsh. Wow. How Clique-ish.

Anywho, review, leave a few quotes, but mainly leave me a review.

AND I passed 10,000 hits! 11,000, actually. Let's make it to A Larger Number before I get bored! Lolz.

And also, K-Unit is up. :)

Anyways, if I haven't told you, review.


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